Pimp That Snack
Language: English

The Bastard Custard Cream

by Cathy 8 photos Rated 85% 78 votes when voting closed

Yes it’s been pimped before. So why have we retraced the steps of other pimpers?
Because the custard cream is a very special biscuit.
And this is a very special pimp.
It’s a super pimp. A super-pimped giant custard cream, a Bastard Cream.

We have improved the lettering on the Bastard Cream by making a special pastry (mixture 2) designed to hold its shape after cooking so avoiding unsightly “spreading” of the lettering during cooking. Mixture 1 makes a super-yummy, yellow, custard flavoured, melt-in-the mouth biscuit to build the sandwich of the Bastard Cream. The cream of the Bastard Cream is made in mixture 3, smooth, vanilla, buttery and utterly yummy.

Ingredients
Mixture 1 The Bastard Cream Biscuit
250g margarine
100 g plain flour
50g caster sugar
50g custard powder
Few drops vanilla
Cream the sugar and margarine
Fold in flour, custard powder and vanilla to form a dough
Leave to rest in the fridge for at least 1hr

Bird's custard powder, plain flour, Stork, two butters, caster and icing sugar lined up on tartan cloth

Mixture 2 The Bastard Cream Letters
100g flour
75g butter
75g caster sugar
1 small egg, beaten
Few drops of vanilla
Pinch of salt
Cream butter and sugar, fold in flour, add eggs and vanilla to form dough
Chill for 1h

Mixture 3 The Bastard Cream Filling
150g Icing sugar
3 Tablespoons custard powder
75g butter
Cream butter and icing sugar and custard powder

Constructing the Bastard Cream

Photocopy a custard cream

A single custard cream biscuit laid on the glass of an office photocopier, lid raised

Enlarge the photocopy

Greyscale close-up of a custard cream showing its embossed scrollwork and CUSTARD CREAM lettering

Use this as a template to reproduce the very fine moulding pattern of the custard cream.

A hand tipping flour through a sieve into the bowl of creamed butter and sugar below

Now, bake the Bastard Cream sandwich halves

Allow to cool

Place the lettering and moulding onto the top layer

One biscuit slab decorated with piped Bastard Cream lettering and scrollwork, still a single layer

Bake at 200oC for just 5 mins to harden the letters

Butter and sugar creamed pale in an earthenware bowl with a wooden spoon, on checked cloth

Complete the Bastard Cream by adding the filling

The finished giant custard cream, filling squeezing between its two slabs, a normal biscuit alongside

Overhead view of the giant Bastard Cream with an ordinary custard cream beside it for scale

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