Assemble: 1 kg maize meal, 1 kg plain flour, multivitamin tablets so that the flakes are importantly ‘fortified with vitamins and minerals’, 750g butter, 20 eggs, 1 litre milk, 50g salt, 100g sugar, 1 kg chocolate and loads of golden syrup.
Step 1: Mix 100g maize, 100g flour, some crushed vitamins, 25g butter, 10g sugar, 5g salt, 2 eggs and 100ml milk in bowl. Shape mixture into 2 p*rnflakes on a tray and bake for 10-12 minutes.
Repeat x 9. Yup, there goes Saturday afternoon.
Step 2: Now for the cupcake case…beg increasingly irritated husband to drive me to the stationery shop before it closes.
Replicate cupcake case design in a popular check pattern downloaded from the internet. Goodbye Saturday evening. At this point, drink several gin and tonics to keep up PMA levels (Positive Mental Attitude).
Step 3: Melt chocolate with butter and golden syrup.
Dunk each p*rnflake into the mixture and place in cake case.
Step 4: Accessorise cupcake case with footwear to maximise comic effect. [Fret that I have confused ‘pimp’ culture with ‘chav’ culture]
Chocolate P*ornflake Crispie. Done. [Said in a Gordon Ramsey kind of voice]
Weight of Chocolate Cornflake Crispy = 28 g
Weight of Chocolate P*rn’flake Crispy = 3.8 kg. 13.6 times bigger.
Get your laughin’ gear round that. [Said in a Ray Winstone kind of voice]
No. of times felt like a twisted, mad genius and danced a little jig = 1
No. of times gave husband the chocolate bowl to lick so he would be quiet = 3
No. of times giggled to myself = 1,000,000 plus
I know it will never be as good as some of the other pimps but I hope you’ll agree that I did try really hard [Subtext: If you could vote for me and this gets into the top 20 that would be really cool]