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Lion Bar 1

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309 votes

What you’ll need

2 x 150g of delicious Galaxy milk chocolate
1 x 80g more Galaxy from Spar when we realised we were running low
2 x 100g Galaxy chocolate Easter eggs thieved from Louise when things were starting to get desperate
1 x 50g extra Easter egg kindly donated by Daniel when he wasn’t looking. You need to be quicker than that, Dan
250g Morrison’s own ‘Betta Buy’ chocolate I bought by mistake instead of ‘milk’. Well… they should label it better.
3 ladles of Morrison’s ‘Rice Crackles’ (Rice Crispies to you)
227g of Morrison’s Dairy Toffees
A blob of Lurpak’s finest
264½g of Dogan chocolate ‘flavoured’ wafers from the local thrift shop. We used about 32 scrat-tastic wafers in our attempt.
An heroic supply of delicious lager flavoured drink.

First you take the chocolate and break it up into pieces and put into a metal (or glass) bowl over a pan of boiling water. This will melt nicely. At NO stage should you microwave this precious ingredient as you may impair the flavour, texture, or consistency. Also, the sugars in the chocolate can quickly attain the heat of an average particle accelerator or Sun. Please see ‘PimpKat’ Steve Piers’ fingers for dramatic proof. Once the chocolate has melted, pour carefully into a plastic container, typically a large Tupperware™ sandwich harness that you can reseal after each visit. Once a generous layer has been created then it’s wafer time.

Wafers. Wafers wafers wafers. There are so many on the market but the shrewd snack pimper should always be on the lookout for one thing. Cheapness. Luckily, in Morecambe we have THE emporium of thrift. HOME BARGAINS! The clue’s in the name, and no prices are lower prices than HOME BARGAINS! Anyway, this time I opted to go all international on yo ass. Turkey to be precise. These fun priced wafers seemed to be rather uncontaminated by taste or chocolate flavour but Marisa and I both decided that a neutral type filling would compliment the sensory overload from the rest of the ingredients.

After much deliberation we decided to go for the 4×4 formation twice. This filled the plastic snack harness quite nicely allowing space for the future toffee and chocolate additions. Lion Bars have a predominantly soft-textured toffee surrounding the wafer that a harder type toffee could jeopardise. It was down to real luck (not to mention experimentation) but half a pound of Morrison’s own Dairy Toffees with a blob of Lurpak constructed a perfectly malleable ad-hoc caramel sarcophagus. Things were looking rather good. Until…

Chocolate alert! Arrooooooogahhhhh!!! Bad planning combined with sheer naivety and/or arrogance caused a problem. Nothing that a little cash/time/heartlessness could fix. Remember, this is Easter Monday and we had in our house what could only be described as a ‘glut’ of chocolate only not in the traditional rectangular bar shape. It meant we were either going to have to fork out local convenience store readies for substandard sized bars or we were gonna have to appropriate chocolate belonging to another person with the intention of permanently depriving them of it. On one hand it was a rip off and on the other it meant contravening section 1(a) of the Theft Act 1968. We did both.

We sent Anthony out to Spar to get the largest bar of Galaxy that he could find (80g at about the same price the two 150g bars were). Also, we stole three Easter eggs from the kids. We’re not proud. If it’s any consolation though, they found out quickly and accepted goods of a higher value in exchange for their silence. A fine example of family corruption to rival any chapter from the Godfather franchise. This could all have been avoided if I’d bought half of Morrison’s stock of MILK chocolate instead of their DARK stuff. Well… it all looks the same to me and I was in a rush.

Toffee sarcophagus cooled, we mixed the chocolate with the cereal of choice. No Kellogg’s in this house lemme tell ya! No sirree, it’s Morrison’s own that we spooned into the mix taking care not to add too much that would look more like a primary school cake stall effort. The ratio seemed just right with three ladles from Marisa and after a couple of minutes it was ready to be poured over the toffee to make the final layer. We stroked it all into place as much as we could with a plastic spatula and witnessed some seepage from the wafer’s chocolate flavouring as it sought to escape it’s toffee doom. It didn’t stand a chance. We finally sealed the snack after what seemed like ages and I put it in the fridge to harden into what we thought would be just another twisted paragraph in snack history.

We brought it out about an hour and a half later and cut it open. We fell to our knees as we tasted it. And lo, it was very fine. It was no longer the timid snack of fools. All snacks bowed down before it for this was their King. Even the original Lion Bar in all it’s 50g majesty was not worthy and abdicated immediately. It had been tamed by the beast of a feast that was indeed, the LION KING BAR.


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