Many renowned philosophers and wise men over the ages have realised that the bourbon biscuit whilst on one hand a tastalicious snack of goodness is also an integral foundation block on which all modern societies are based. This is fact. It is also scientific fact that there are direct correlations found between “goodness”, “calories” and “pimped out size”. Using this as our mantra we set out to pimp the very foundations on which society is built to make the world a better place for everyone. We set out to create the Pimpbon.
The ingredients were all found naturally growing on our lawn like some very strangely mutated mushrooms! We took this as a sign from nature herself that we were heading in the right direction. Further inspection of the garden yielded the following:
750g of flour
350g of caster sugar
350g of margarine
7 table spoons of golden syrup
125g of cocoa
3.5 spoons of baking soda
2 big bars of chocolate
1pot of cream
4 spoons of coffee
All the ingredients with the exception of the cream, chocolate and coffee were then mixed using my new favourite pimping weapon “ken wood the chef” whose existence I didn’t even know of until this project was undertaken.
Here is an action shot to get you pumped:
After much mixing and almost breaking under the strain our faithful friend produced this ball of brilliance:
The ball of brilliance was then cleaved in half by the biggest knife we could find in the house. I recommend using a claymore for this in the future if you can get your hand on one. (please note the authors recommendation to use weapons as cooking utensils is not necessarily a good one).
Each hemisphere was then diligently rolled out to a proportion ratio 1 : 2.17857. Accuracy was paramount. Here is one of the slabs:
The slabs were then pierced to replicate the “ten holes of society” N.B. you should make the holes slightly bigger to allow for expansion when baking. To do this we used the rear end of a wooden spoon (it is worth pointing out that this end gets no where near enough use and glory in the kitchen).
Then it started to get technical. We found initial attempts to write the letters we have all come to love and cherish so much fruitless. Accuracy was appalling. This was not the way to build the foundations of society! In a quest for ridiculous authenticity a cunning plan was formulated involving integration of equipment not usually found in the kitchen. Our plan:
Step 1 – scan small bourbon biscuit:
Step 2 – using photoshop I drew around the lettering and scaled it to the pimped slab (35cm x 16cm)
Step 3 &4 – the lettering was then printed with the centre marked on it. Then it was placed on the slab and a pair of compasses used to accurately mark the positions of the letters:
After marking out, the letters were pressed in using the rear end of a carving fork. The performance of this utensil was of sterling quality and he levelled up several places in my kitchen all time rankings. This was repeated to both slabs to retain artistic merit; we passionately felt that the pimpbon would not be complete with out two sides despite that it would probably never get turned. The results were as follows:
The *&$^ing thing has broken, breaking my heart in the process. It snapped in transit, apparently 3 spatulas isn’t enough for food so mighty, how foolish of us.
Having got the girls into the kitchen I discovered that baked goods can be repaired! Good news. The slab was pushed back together and smoothed out. The cracks were then wet and rubbed to smooth them over, every one was happy once more. Into the oven she goes:
I cant remember what temperature the oven was at or for how long the pimpbon was in there as I was almost weeing myself with excitement! If I had to I would estimate about 3.2 million degrees for 7 or 8 minutes. Out they come:
Was a little disappointed in some crackage but it was the first thing I have ever baked so it could have been far worse. The process you are witnessing in the picture above is the “flip reversing” of the biscuit. This is an awkward procedure (rather like the blazing squad lyrics where the name comes from) but necessary to provide a firm base for the “chocolaty goodness”. The goodness was made in the 7 or 8 mins while the biscuit was in the oven, it consists of 2 big bars of chocolate and about half a pint of cream melted down also 4 spoons of coffee were added, the logic of this caffeine crazed manoeuvre appears to have been lost in the excitement but it made for a more authentic taste. On with the goodness:
The top was then added to complete the pimpbon:
The pimpbon was later taken around to Jane’s house as a “pudding” for her Sunday roast. She was very happy with it.
Some people chose to have it served with custard but being a puritan I declined. I would recommend a strong full bodied red wine to accompany this meal, anything over 14.5% would be adequate. Cheese is an optional accompaniment to every meal and goes well with the pimpbon, I recommend a mild cheddar. Calories clock in respectably at just under 6500 of the bad boys and she weighs in at somewhere around 2kg mark (our scales don’t go that high so it’s a bit of a guess).
I have learnt two very important things from this experience
– never underestimate the rear end of any cutlery utensil
-and some times it is very important to do things for no other reason than because you can