Battenberg GTi Turbo

Ingredients:

Eggs
Marzipan
Caster Sugar
Self-Raising Flour
Butter
Apricot Jam
Milk
Food Colouring

This is one fatty-boom-batty cake. Creation time was measured at approximately 6 hours, plus 4 hours of heated discussion with wife sulking over creative differences. Husband stayed cool and calm at all times.

1. After explaining that the wife’s bum has never looked big in anything, ask politely if it’s at all possible if she could make you 8 rectangular cakes 4 pink 4 yellow, before retiring to the lounge and watching football for two hours. Return to kitchen 4 hours later to check on your masterpiece.

2. Trim cakes and lay out on tray. Never, and I mean never, mention that 4 cakes are of sub-standard quality and would benefit from being remade.

3. Wipe blood from forehead and agree cakes are fabulous.

4. Heat apricot jam to bond cakes together.

5. Realizing that things are getting out of hand, pop back to the shops, and buy more marzipan. Return and roll out a sheet 64 inches long x 36 inches wide.

6. Mr Kipling’s Battenburg measures 170mm x 50mm and weighs a meagre 320grams. Mr Pimplings Battenburg measures 400mm x 160mm and comes in at a gobsmacking 5 kg. It just goes to show that bigger is always better.

Then its just the taste test, now who to test it on?

Ah yes just the person, and the verdict, looks good, taste good, and by golly it does you good. (or was that Guiness?).