Top of the Pop Tarts
by for £3.97

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Which iconic deities of the snack world had been overlooked by the PIMPing masterminds at PimpThatSnack? For hours we drank beer and racked our brains .

Then it hit us. It hit us hard.

The humble pop-tart, for years pop-tarts were a bountiful source of all additives and E-numbers required to construct the perfectly hyperactive child. However, they simply don't make the grade anymore. We'd grown up, left the pop tart behind. Now it was time for our toasty treat to play catchup - pimp style.

But a pop-tart isn't simply pastry, jam and icing. In the name of science, a vivisection was performed. The sugary snack was sliced and diced, and its berry-flavoured insides were examined. The jam, delicious as it may be, appeared to be a puree or other synthetic substance produced from hooves.

Wikipedia to the rescue! However, our luck fell short as we discovered nothing about the red interior. Early hypotheses suggested a strawberry-flavoured napalm. We needed to recreate this.

To make the "Top of the pop tarts" You're going to need;

2 Packets of 450g shortcrust pastry mix (or if you're a seasoned vet, you can just make your own)
1 Pack of 500g icing sugar
1 Jar of seedless strawberrry jam
1 Table spoon of golden syrup
Hundreds and thousands, sugar strands, whatever you call them.

Music is also needed. We noticed a distinct lack of pimp-themed music with our choice of CDs.

Being the cheating, lazy fake-pimps that we are, we fashioned our pastry from a bag of pre-made mix -- Xzibit would be ashamed of us. Westwood would also be ashamed, but he's a tosser. The pop-tart pastry is not your ordinary shortcrust, and a generous amount of icing sugar was added to the mix. Alarmingly, each layer of pastry required a full bag of pastry mix. Water was added, and the mix soon evolved into a dough, which was rolled out as thin as possible using a spare pint glass.

Kelloggs opted not to use the Golden rectangle rule, instead using the Platinum rectangle rule; a rule that is the very foundations of modern-day pimpery. Using a technique later to be called the "Bowie Measurement System", the base of the tart was measure using a copy of David Bowie's Hunky Dory, which, whilst not the most pimp album in the world, it's a damn good one for measuring out pastry.

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