Mighty Matchmaker
by for £9.00

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We couldn’t believe no one has done this before. After all, matchmaking and pimping are essentially the same thing! No doubt others will wish to emulate our achievement, so these are our ingredients:

1200g of chocolate (close examination of the box shows us we need plain and milk. We guessed a 2:1 ratio)
500g Caster sugar
Small bottle peppermint essence (This is one of those useless items that is always hanging round in kitchen cupboards and therefore essentially free!)
4 kitchen rolls (it’s messy work!)
Baking paper
Matchmakers (for the purposes of science)

First of all we ate some matchmakers. This was quite inspiring. When the box was nearly empty we began to think about how we might shape our giant chocolatey phallus. We considered many options including somehow hanging it from a washing line or moulding it with our bare hands but settled on using the inner tubes of kitchen rolls, lined with baking paper. After some complicated maths, involving pi (and then some pork pie) we worked it out that 4 kitchen rolls would give us a truly impressive length and girth. Also there are conveniently 4 kitchen rolls in one pack. This meant that our mighty matchmaker would be roughly equivalent to 8 times bigger than a normal matchmaker.

Next it was time to boil an entire bag of sugar with ever increasing amounts of peppermint essence.

We continued until it was totally fluid and our kitchen smelt better than it ever had. Briefly.

We poured this sweet lava into a baking paper lined tray to cool.

This seemed like a perfect time to construct our mould. If you have planned ahead you should have 4 empty kitchen rolls. We didn’t.

Much BluePetering later….

As the sugar still hadn’t set, we found a use for all that extra kitchen roll and joined a new club.

The sugar still wasn’t set so we went out and got drunk.

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