The Captain, who isn't present, hears reports about cakes not coming out of tins in one piece and impending disaster.
First mate recovers with yet another trip to Sainsbury's, purchasing several premade madeira cakes. Our cooking reputation takes another blow.
Cake shaping - check! Various jams used as universal glue. A picture of HMS Victory is used as the template.
Premade icing is used for the 'Nelson Chequer' colour scheme. First, on goes the black. Roll icing. Apply glue liberally. Stick on and pat down. Check!