Viscount Kingley
by for £5.00

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The Viscount, being the only biscuit with a title, is a pretty posh piece of work. But not, contrary to appearances, so posh we thought it could only be pimped with brand name products. That was down to the deference of Morrisons; so in awe of the peppermint wonder, that all own-brand products had been miraculously cleared off the shelves. Along with the peppermint essence. In the name of improvisation, we plumped for some bizarre mint squash to act as the sandwichey substitute in our outrageously expensive, organic, free-range biscuit.

First, the biscuit making. Butter and sugar are creamed together in some kind of gym-like arm-exercise hell until light and fluffy. Then a crazy amount of flour is added and worked in to form a devine tasting biscuity dough. Yum. We roll it out, and place it into a cunning pizza-cooking tray that I had purchased at the palace of Morrisons on a whim. Clever, I thought. We can keep it to a sensible shape. More on that later...

Into the oven for a scant 15 minutes, and then out onto a board to cool. Child’s play. Ooops: in my excitement, I flip the biscuit onto a board that can barely contain it. Nope. No barely about it: the board is too small, and the delicious all-butter yumminess crumbles and breaks. Eeek! That’s billions of pounds-worth of biscuit ruined.

Quick! A plan is hatched — Dairy Milk is melted using the traditional bowl/water/pan method, and used to glue the Viscount back together in the form of a base covering. Hooray for the chocolatey goodness of this princely beast; into the freezer and that’s near-disaster experience number one diverted.

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