Pimp That Snack

Scotch Egg

by Team Cazzy C 15 photos Rated 82% 449 votes when voting closed

Trays holding dozens of eggs, sausagemeat, mayonnaise, boxes of breadcrumbs and two plaited Turkish loaves

60 eggs
4 kilos sausage meat
750g mayo
800g orange breadcrumbs
2 large soft Turkish loaves

Cost: £26.19

Mini scotch egg: 25g, 32 calories
Our Maxi Egg: 6.8 kgs, probably over 30,000 calories

The Scotch Egg is the baddest savoury snack on the street. He’s able to survive long hard years on the shelf and chillin’ in the fridge or even just loungin’ down the back of the sofa. You’ll find him gettin’ laid everywhere – in the street, in the car, and especially on the garage forecourt. All the other bruvs – pork pies, pasties, buffet bars – give respect to His Mighty Eggness. They all fight to sit at the right hand of His Mighty Eggness on the shelves. So we say time to give him respect and pimp, soup and bling him to the max.

So take an egg, just like Momma Delia says, then take 59 more and cook them up.

Lids lifted off two big casserole pans crammed with boiling eggs on the hob

Pop your meat out of its skin. There’s nothing like the feelin’ of a really wicked piece of raw meat in your hands. Squeeze it, baby.

Squeezing lengths of raw sausagemeat from their plastic sleeves into a large steel mixing bowl

Get your Chavimix out and really bust up that bread.

Bread blitzed to crumbs in a food processor labelled CHAVIMIX on a taped-on paper sign

Then it’s meat and bread in the mix. Bump and grind, you know they’re meant to be together.

Hands kneading a handful of breadcrumbs into the raw sausagemeat in a wide steel bowl

Time to mould your meat mix into two sista bowls.

Two large bowls lined with a thick shell of the raw meat and breadcrumb mix

Use foil as protection

Foil pressed into the meat-lined bowls, the roll of aluminium foil on the worktop

because it’s going to get seriously hot (90 minutes at gas mark 3 – I).

Once that heat has done its bizness, cool your empty meat shells.

The two cooked meat shells, browned and shrunken, still in their bowls on the cooker

Roll them over onto something with curves for a little relaxing support. Give them a sprinkling of breadcrumbs and a slooow massage. Nice and easy.

Orange breadcrumbs raining onto a cooked meat dome held in both hands over a crumb-covered board

Get busy with shelling those eggs. Slice and dice them , get your mayo and give it to them. Stir it all up. Sweet .

Chopping peeled boiled eggs on a white board, a bowl already heaped with chopped egg behind

Stirring chopped egg into mayonnaise in a big steel bowl, the mayo tub alongside

Roll your shells onto their backs and trim them til they’re smooth as ma bitch’s booty. Get your egg mix and fill them up till they can’t take no more.

Spooning egg mayo filling into one of the baked meat shells with a spatula

This is one heavy pair of cohones.

A hand pointing at a halved boiled egg next to two filled meat shells many times its size

Take a deep breath and get those two on top of each other. Work it baby.

Set the egg on a plinth. Tasty.

The finished breadcrumbed egg, football-sized, on a metal plinth with a paper Chanel logo on top

And the final touch of class. Dim the lights and raise an Eggtini to His Eggness. Respect.

The egg staged on a gold plinth with red drapes, lit candles, a rose and a martini eggtini

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