Pimp That Snack

Fig Roll

by MC Sheena, Puff Andy and Susan-em 11 photos Rated 80% 321 votes when voting closed

We be hangin in our crib decidin’ what to pimp after our last chocolicious attempt at an after-eight. Being bad-ass pimping sons and daughters-of-beeatches, we decided on every self-respecting gangsta’s favourite tea-time treat, the fig roll. Reespect!

Pimp-redients:

Sugar 20p. Sweet!
Eggs 20p
Margarine 50p Well-known brand name hidden by strategically-placed eggs.
Flour 20p
Dried figs £1.50. Keeps us tuff-nuts regular
Baking Powder: Nicked from the Marcie. We’re well hard.

Total: £2.60

Ingredients on a baking tray: a tub of flour, two eggs, a sugar canister and a paper bag

Like true gangsta-figs, the figs were hard as nails, so we soaked them overnight. Then we chopped them up, added sugar and boiled without mercy to create a figgy jam napalm.

Chopped figs simmering in a saucepan on the hob, being stirred with a slotted spoon

No amount of boiling would make those suckers dissolve, so we whipped out the trusty blender. Take that, you pesky figs!

Blending the cooked fig mixture to a paste with a stick blender in a tall jug

We sifted the flour, cos you don’t see no lumps in no fig rolls. No sir.We rubbed in the margarine. Like they taught us in Home Economics at Gangsta school.Then we beat those eggs and milk like we would beat yo sorry ass, then poured into the bowl.

Hands rubbing butter into flour in a large mixing bowl until it looks like breadcrumbs

Then we kneaded the dough like we was needing dough. We realised we had no rolling pin, probably as the result of some gangsta-related activity, so, being the rufty-tufty gangstas that we are, used a bottle of balsamic vinegar instead. Rock and roll!

A rough ball of pale biscuit dough resting on a heavily floured worktop

We spooned out the figgy jam and spread it around.

Thick fig paste spooned in a long strip down the middle of rolled-out dough

We folded it over and cleverly disguised the seam on the bottom. We greased up the tray good n propa, and added a sprinkling of pure Colombian flour to stop sticking. We may be tough gangstas able to stop bullets with our gold teeth, but it still took two of us to lift it onto the tray. Then we wiped the blood from a switchblade and scored some lines in the top for that authentic “ridgy” look.

Knife scoring a line along the long rolled dough log on a floured baking tray

Then we flung that bad boy in the oven on gas mark 5 for 20 minutes, giving us time to clean up the mean streets of Lancaster.

The long roll baking on its tray inside the oven, seen through the open door

After some debate, we lifted the beast out of the tray using a spatula, a cake stand and four hands. Then we showed the fig roll who was boss by slicing off the ends.

Lifting the baked golden roll onto a wire cooling rack, filling showing along one split

Behold, the fig roll behemoth! Move over P. Diddy, make way for P. Figgy!!

An ordinary shop-bought fig roll sitting on top of the giant baked one for scale

Now for the Kriss-Kross section. We went and put out trousers on back to front, made a seriously large amount of tea and set to work!!!

Cross-section of the giant roll showing dark fig filling, flanked by two normal fig rolls

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