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Beeotch Egg

Rated 81.96%
334 votes

My flatmate pimped out a 2’6" dime bar last week, so my lady and I decided to go one better with some savoury pimpin’ Scotch Egg action.

40 eggs
6 packs of sausages
half a loaf of bread
1 small melon
1 watermelon

Cost: About £9

First step was to get our hands on a giant egg. Couldn’t find an ostrich egg so we decided to make our own.

Research indicated that the relationship between egg length and volume is roughly *10. ie; a standard 5 cm long egg has a volume of 50 cubic centimtres. So to make an egg 20 cm long (roughly four standard egg lengths and comparable to the internal dimensions of a watermelon) requires 40 eggs.

Spurred on by this flight of mathematical genius, I used the formula 4 pi r squared to find the surface area of a sphere (close enough to an egg shape for our purposes). This revealed that 1250 square cm of sausage would be required. Double this to get an even layer 2cm thick all over the egg and you’ve got about 2500 cubic cm. A pack of sausages is about 500g, and for our purposes we can assume that sausage meat has the same density as water so 500g=500cm3. So 5 packs of sauasages = 2500cm3 – enough meat to cover the egg. We allowed an extra pimpin pack for contingency.

First step was to separate the whites from the yolks, yo.

Then, the small melon was hollowed out and stuck back together with masking tape to form a yolk mould. We cut a small hole in the end to enable the yolk to be poured in and lined the melon mould with cling film to prevent any melon flavas from messin’ wit’ our egg, yo.

The yolk was poured in and the bung re-inserted.

Then the melon yolk ball was immersed in boiling water. Half an hour proved to be not long enough to set that sucka, so we had to finish the job with a five minute session in the microwave.

Once cut free from the melon and given a quick tidy up with the scissors, the giant yolk was placed within the watermelon, hollowed out in the same manner as the small melon, and held centrally in place with some skewers to ensure that the white of the egg could surround the ghetto of yolk in the normal way.

Learning from experience we boiled this sucka for a full hour. However this also wasn’t long enough so we had to microwave it’s ass too.

Half a loaf of bread was cheesegratered and blendered into crumb form while we waited for the egg to cool to a state where it could be handled. We wanted a proper orange tint but had to settle for natural golden colour.

The final phase was to encase the giant egg in sausage. The skins were removed from the sausages and the meat formed into a large gooey heap.

Realising that we weren’t going to be able to engineer a classic ball shape, given the sheer size of the egg, we laid a layer of crumbs, covered in a layer of meat, on the bottom of a roasting tin, having first greased that sucka out good.

Then we built meat up over the egg.

Lastly, it was off to the oven with the bad boy for an hour and a half. We left the egg to cool overnight, then brought it to the office the following morning to show it off. It stank like a dead bear, but it had good flava.


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