by Georg and Jon Bailey for £0.00
15th November 2007
Pages: 1 2
It has been brought to the attention of myself that in order to fully enjoy pimped out snacks,
we really ought to be using the proper equipment to indulge ourselves. Standard cutlery is far from adequate,
which is why my brother, our pyromaniac (known to others as Sam) and I, spent a day resolving this problem.
Stuff you will need:
Some metal (shiny)
NB: there will be no need for measuring equipment.
Estimated cost: free, made entirely from stuff which was lying around.
The first thing you need to do is identify an appropriate handle for your cutlery. Mine came from a broom which I vandalised that day.
The next is to decide between spoon, spork and fork. I selected the spork as my favourite of all cutleries. The selected attachment must be fashioned from a piece of metal. It is worth mentioning at this stage that in order to achieve the best result, it is important to use the most manly tools available to you. We chose to use a grinding wheel, a disk cutter, a saw and a big hammer. If these items are not available to you then a rock crudely attached to a bit of wood will suffice.
As regional experts in drinking vessels used for the consumption of ale, we were luckily aware of the importance of which metal you use. Apart from being shiny, it is worth avoiding poisonous metals eg. aluminium (aluminum for you crazy Americans) which may cause Alzheimer's; and lead, which causes heavy metal poisoning then brain damage. Acceptable alternatives are titanium and stainless steel (regular steel tastes funky).
Here are pictures of us fashioning the appropriate shapes from metal.
A grinding wheel can be used to make metal components more shiny.
When using power tools, safety awareness is paramount as demonstrated by our tame pyromaniac.
The dimensions for this project are very important, in order to make the most efficient use of your oral capacity, the width of your cutlery must exactly match that of your cake hole. This is why you do not need any proper measuring devices.
We spent some time discussing the features of existing cutlery which we found disappointing, among the problems was the lack of straw which would be good for getting that last bit of gravy/sauce. It couldn’t get in the way so a telescopic straw was decided upon. It comprises a curly straw wrapped around the handle, which joins on to a telescopic metal tube; formerly the aerial from an r/c transmitter.