Fig Roll
by for £2.60

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We be hangin in our crib decidin’ what to pimp after our last chocolicious attempt at an after-eight. Being bad-ass pimping sons and daughters-of-beeatches, we decided on every self-respecting gangsta’s favourite tea-time treat, the fig roll. Reespect!


Sugar 20p. Sweet!
Eggs 20p
Margarine 50p Well-known brand name hidden by strategically-placed eggs.
Flour 20p
Dried figs £1.50. Keeps us tuff-nuts regular
Baking Powder: Nicked from the Marcie. We’re well hard.

Total: £2.60

Like true gangsta-figs, the figs were hard as nails, so we soaked them overnight. Then we chopped them up, added sugar and boiled without mercy to create a figgy jam napalm.

No amount of boiling would make those suckers dissolve, so we whipped out the trusty blender. Take that, you pesky figs!

We sifted the flour, cos you don’t see no lumps in no fig rolls. No sir.We rubbed in the margarine. Like they taught us in Home Economics at Gangsta school.Then we beat those eggs and milk like we would beat yo sorry ass, then poured into the bowl.

Then we kneaded the dough like we was needing dough. We realised we had no rolling pin, probably as the result of some gangsta-related activity, so, being the rufty-tufty gangstas that we are, used a bottle of balsamic vinegar instead. Rock and roll!

We spooned out the figgy jam and spread it around.

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