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We thought long and hard about what we could possibly contribute. Our initial conclusions were ice cream based… a cornetto or more ambitiously, a Vienetta? However despite several ingenious suggestions of carving out a huge chunk of ice cream with the help of Kara’s Dad’s Black & Decker, we were scuppered by the meagre dimensions of our freezer. It would have been good though.

Back to the drawing board. And then it came in a flash of inspiration. It was our destiny. We had to pimp none other than that humble favourite… the Club.

Take that Club! Take that.


Naturally, we stocked up on Clubs for research purposes… yes, all 21 of them were for research purposes. Did you know that a standard original Club Chocolate combines thick milk chocolate with a smooth chocolate flavoured cream and a crunchy biscuit? Smooth chocolate flavoured cream?! Can’t say we’d ever noticed, but who are we to argue with the powers of Jacobs? Fair enough. We’ll put a chocolate flavoured cream layer in too.

The obvious difficulty of this task was always going to be creating an accurate replica of the noble CLUB motif. After a number of preliminary sketches (and ridiculous notions involving varnish, superglue, blue tack and clingfilm) we decided to make use of local resources – we needed something we could cut up, something that wouldn’t absorb the chocolate and something thick… it was obvious – a Property For Sale board. This took about 10 minutes to source locally. If you don’t live in a run down area we suggest you visit one nearby – wear scruffy clothing to blend in to avoid a beating. Although you’ll be on the rob already, so you’re halfway there.

It’s ok – the sign they nicked was for a let house!

Having given the sign a ruddy good scrubbing in the bathtub, we were ready to create our mould. We decided to use a vegetable knife to diligently hack out our CLUB shape, which was both amusing and highly dangerous, so be on your guard! We masking taped the cut out shape (remembering to keep the inside of the B) to a large roasting dish – cunningly already supplying the raised outer edge – score! We made sure we covered all of the For Sale sign with the tape… scrub as we did, it still all seemed a bit wrong.


We melted half of our vast chocolate supply and poured it in. This took about three shifts owing to our pathetic glass bowl and the fact that a Club is the chocolatiest bar around.

Don’t make as much biscuit mix as we did. About the amount for two dozen cookies should do it. Not for fifty cookies. That’s too much. Much too much. Even though we only put half in our tin, we had to cut the top off halfway through cooking as it was getting out of hand and trying to take over the oven. It was pretty handy though cause it turned out that the middle still resembled a slightly oatey cow pat. Back in the oven it went.

While all this was afoot, we made up the butter icing using a borrowed electric whisk from an, until then, unknown neighbour. Thanks neighbour! (We’ll send you the bill for cleaning up the chocolate that went absolutely everywhere.) The website, Pimp That Snack, is clearly some sort of cunning ruse to encourage community spirit. Especially as we’ll be offering our finished item to our new friend and probably the entire street. Thanks Pimp That Snack!

When the bottom layer of chocolate was set, we smeared on the butter icing AKA “smooth chocolate flavoured cream” and popped our biscuity bit on top, leaving a nice gap between the biscuit and the edge of our dish ready to fill with more chocolate.

Halfway through this process we realised that we didn’t have enough chocolate. No matter what you make, you WILL run out of chocolate. We had seen the evidence from previous Pimp That Snackers and had thought it through… we bought literally tens of bars of chocolate, much to the chagrin of the checkout assistant. But it wasn’t enough. And with less than ten minutes to closing time, a trip to Sainsbury’s ensued to completely finish off their already depleted Milk Chocolate supplies. We melted the last of the batch and topped up the dish right to the brim.

Holy crapping hell, thats a lot of chocolate

Finally, when we came to tip out the feast we had prepared it took a little persuasion. When we say a little persuasion, we mean that we had to bash the bottom of the tin (denting it in the process), pour boiling water on it and even considered ironing said upturned tin – a foolish endeavour upon returning from the pub. We had just about had enough when it loosened up and fell out. There was one small problem though… our masking tape and Property For Sale sign was still attached to the chocolate. “Disaster!” one would think, but with some diligent fingernail action, we had that tape off in a flash… and behold the mighty Club weighing in at 1 stone!

Just think, with enough dedication to be faffing about with a giant chocolate bar at five to one in the morning on a weeknight, you too can feel like Willy Wonka and create a pimptastic snack.


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