Pimp That Snack
Language: English

Pornflake Crispie

by Larns 8 photos Rated 85% 429 votes when voting closed

Assemble: 1 kg maize meal, 1 kg plain flour, multivitamin tablets so that the flakes are importantly ‘fortified with vitamins and minerals’, 750g butter, 20 eggs, 1 litre milk, 50g salt, 100g sugar, 1 kg chocolate and loads of golden syrup.

Ingredients stacked on the worktop: milk, plain flour, caster sugar, butter, two dozen eggs, chocolate, golden syrup

Step 1: Mix 100g maize, 100g flour, some crushed vitamins, 25g butter, 10g sugar, 5g salt, 2 eggs and 100ml milk in bowl. Shape mixture into 2 p*rnflakes on a tray and bake for 10-12 minutes.

Two big slabs of yellow maize batter spread thin on parchment in a baking tray

Repeat x 9. Yup, there goes Saturday afternoon.

Dozens of oversized baked cornflakes cooling across a paper-covered round table

Step 2: Now for the cupcake case…beg increasingly irritated husband to drive me to the stationery shop before it closes.

Replicate cupcake case design in a popular check pattern downloaded from the internet. Goodbye Saturday evening. At this point, drink several gin and tonics to keep up PMA levels (Positive Mental Attitude).

Cutting a giant paper cake case from patterned paper, two ordinary cases beside it for scale

Step 3: Melt chocolate with butter and golden syrup.

Broken chocolate bars, butter and golden syrup melting together in a large frying pan

Dunk each p*rnflake into the mixture and place in cake case.

Two hands holding up chocolate-coated giant flakes above the pan of melted chocolate

Step 4: Accessorise cupcake case with footwear to maximise comic effect. [Fret that I have confused ‘pimp’ culture with ‘chav’ culture]

Chocolate P*ornflake Crispie. Done. [Said in a Gordon Ramsey kind of voice]

The finished cornflake cake heaped in its huge paper case, a normal-sized one beside it

Weight of Chocolate Cornflake Crispy = 28 g
Weight of Chocolate P*rn’flake Crispy = 3.8 kg. 13.6 times bigger.

Overhead view of chocolate-coated flakes heaped well over the rim of the giant paper case

Get your laughin’ gear round that. [Said in a Ray Winstone kind of voice]

Summary
No. of times felt like a twisted, mad genius and danced a little jig = 1
No. of times gave husband the chocolate bowl to lick so he would be quiet = 3
No. of times giggled to myself = 1,000,000 plus

I know it will never be as good as some of the other pimps but I hope you’ll agree that I did try really hard [Subtext: If you could vote for me and this gets into the top 20 that would be really cool]

More like this