Titanic Teacake

We had originally intended to pimp a Mars Delight, because we hadn’t seen it
done, and a giant one would likely provide us with enough nutrition to last
to the end of term without having to buy more food. But frankly, it sounded
like a bit too much effort, what with all the creamy nonsense and wafery
bits. So, after being inspired (thanks Kate!) we settled on the humble
teacake.

We chose the ingredients on a ramble round Sainsbury’s – cheapest stuff as
possible, naturally, in true student style. Note – don’t know what’s in the
value jam, but at 30p and judging by the taste, I’m willing to bet it’s not
fruit.

Raided the cupboards for suitable containery type things, settling on a
cereal bowl for the chocolate outer shell bit, and some form of Chinese dish
thing to make the blancmange middle.

We melted the chocolate in the microwave and spread it around, then put the
Chinese bowl in the hollow out the middle, which annoyingly kept trying to
resurface and bob around.

Ah Marmite, is there anything it can’t do?
Into the freezer with it.

Made up the blancmange, which involved unnecessary amounts of heating milk
and repeated rinsings of utensils. Unfortunately, I cannot follow simple
instructions, so instead of the blancmange setting in three hours, by the
next morning we still had swimmy pink soup. New plan required.

Ingenious pimpers that we are, we improvised using the left over
marshmallows from our BBQ.

Melted marshmallows may well be the stickiest substance on the planet – it
was transferred to the chocolaty shell only after it coated every surface
and spoon in the kitchen. Turned out we’d eaten a few too many so had to go
on an emergency trip to the corner shop for more. Only white ones left – so
fancy two-tone filling it is!

You can see in the background the deteriorating state of the kitchen as the
project progressed. T’was…interesting by the end.

Coated the top of the marshmallow and chocolaty goodness with the special
jam, and it was time for the shortbread base!

Made up a shortbread dough with flour, sugar and marg, but couldn’t find
anything to use to cut out the base – more improvisation was called for!

Baked it in the oven, let it cool etc etc… then slathered it in more melty
chocolate to form the bottom of the teacake and shoved in the freezer. By
this stage we were feeling quite ill from the amount of chocolate we’d
‘tidied up’, as it tended to go everywhere each time. Put the bowl of mallow
and jam in hot water to melt it out – accidentally added too much water and
flooded the top – nothing that can’t be mopped up though. It’s still good!

Upturned the bowl onto the base. Catastrophe! Over-meltage caused a
chocolaty landslide to erupt out, requiring a lightning-fast sprint to fling
it back in the freezer.

Despite its unpromising look at this stage, the finished project was pretty
pimp-tastic, dwarfing the puny and pathetic Sainsbury’s attempt. The
chocolate at the top was about an inch thick, so it was more sawn/smashed
open than cut in half, but the inevitable cross section speaks for itself:

And, aside from the bizarre jam, it actually tasted pretty good too. That’s
teatime sorted for a while then.