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Top of the Pop Tarts

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Which iconic deities of the snack world had been overlooked by the PIMPing masterminds at PimpThatSnack? For hours we drank beer and racked our brains .

Then it hit us. It hit us hard.

The humble pop-tart, for years pop-tarts were a bountiful source of all additives and E-numbers required to construct the perfectly hyperactive child. However, they simply don’t make the grade anymore. We’d grown up, left the pop tart behind. Now it was time for our toasty treat to play catchup – pimp style.

But a pop-tart isn’t simply pastry, jam and icing. In the name of science, a vivisection was performed. The sugary snack was sliced and diced, and its berry-flavoured insides were examined. The jam, delicious as it may be, appeared to be a puree or other synthetic substance produced from hooves.

Wikipedia to the rescue! However, our luck fell short as we discovered nothing about the red interior. Early hypotheses suggested a strawberry-flavoured napalm. We needed to recreate this.

To make the "Top of the pop tarts" You’re going to need;

2 Packets of 450g shortcrust pastry mix (or if you’re a seasoned vet, you can just make your own)
1 Pack of 500g icing sugar
1 Jar of seedless strawberrry jam
1 Table spoon of golden syrup
Hundreds and thousands, sugar strands, whatever you call them.

Music is also needed. We noticed a distinct lack of pimp-themed music with our choice of CDs.

Being the cheating, lazy fake-pimps that we are, we fashioned our pastry from a bag of pre-made mix — Xzibit would be ashamed of us. Westwood would also be ashamed, but he’s a tosser. The pop-tart pastry is not your ordinary shortcrust, and a generous amount of icing sugar was added to the mix. Alarmingly, each layer of pastry required a full bag of pastry mix. Water was added, and the mix soon evolved into a dough, which was rolled out as thin as possible using a spare pint glass.

Kelloggs opted not to use the Golden rectangle rule, instead using the Platinum rectangle rule; a rule that is the very foundations of modern-day pimpery. Using a technique later to be called the "Bowie Measurement System", the base of the tart was measure using a copy of David Bowie’s Hunky Dory, which, whilst not the most pimp album in the world, it’s a damn good one for measuring out pastry.

Once in the tray, alcohol was consumed, and it was then time for the jam. Normal jam doesn’t have the same consistency and taste as the pop-tart filling, so some golden syrup was added to replicate the deliciousness of a barrel of E-numbers. The fruity filling was then pasted onto the base, and more alcohol was consumed.

The top of the tart was rolled out using pastry from the second bag of mix. However, disaster struck (it was about time, too), and a large gash appeared in the pastry whilst attempting to hoist the lid onto the jam.

The dough was rolled again, and, this time, was successfully planted on top of the jam-covered base. Huzzah! A quick knifing shaped the behemoth, and it was ready for cooking.

The pop-tart was placed into a very hot oven (around 220C) for around twenty minutes. It is highly advised that this time is not spent throwing around the excess pastry and generally making a mess. The minutes soon passed, and the beast emerged from the furnace.

It was then left to cool as time was spent watching Doctor Who and playing Guitar Hero. Eventually, we returned to our workshop to create the frosting. The remainder of the icing sugar was mixed with a splash of warm water, as per the instructions on the box. In an ideal world, 500g of icing sugar should give you enough for the pastry and the icing. Thanks to our arseing around, we were running low on icing.

The top was covered, and a generous amount of hundreds and thousands were scattered across the top to recreate the weird coloury-sugary crap found on the pop-tart’s frosting. Pleased with our work, we retired for the night.

The saga didn’t end there. The entire point of a pop-tart is to toast it. Of course, no toaster we had was big enough to take on the giant pop-tart, so we had to find… other means.

The beast went into the grill, and was quickly toasted. Upon investigation afterwards, we realised it made bugger all difference, but we were still left with a delicious-looking snack.

Overall, the Top of the Pop Tarts is about three times as large as its minute counterpart, and contains about 90% less additives, flavourings and cow parts.

There can be only one… …and it is this one. Success!

Well not really. We suspect that out pastry was a tad too thick, which gave the creation a sponge-like trait. It’s likely that homemade sweetcrust pastry would work better, as would a jar full of additives. Problems aside, it’s rather tasty, and would go down well with a mug of tea.

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