Pimp That Snack

Mootated Milk Biscuit

by Al Napp 16 photos Rated 87% 1,611 votes when voting closed

“Hey Al, Have you seen the ‘Pimp that Snack’ website”
“Yes Sam, Want to do one?”

Two weeks later Sam & John Visit us (Al and Marcia (plus Ivy and Eric)) with a mission – Pimping A Snack.

A single Malted Milk biscuit on a wooden table, cows and lettering embossed on top

Moo-cow biscuits. What, apart from a smart clip around the ear from a passing bobby, better conjures up long lost childhood memories? Well, actually, there are lots, but its still one of those strange things we all felt nostalgic pangs for.

Bags of plain flour stacked on the hob beside two jars of Horlicks and margarine

We had stocked up on some likely looking ingredients, a big bag of sugar, lots of margarine, heaps of cheap flour – we dashed out and got some Horlicks for the maltyness and away we went.

That done, some pimpin’ action was needed.

First, how big could we do it? We selected Marcia’s Largest baking tray, a handily sliding thing that allowed us to find the biggest size in proportion to a real Malted Milk. We used a very complex and scientific technique to achieve this – holding one in front of the other. Total eclipse of the Pimp.

Now some serious scribbling, turns out our Pimp is exactly seven time the size of a mere mortal malted milk. Luck is on our side as Ivy’s just learned her 7 times table.

Handwritten pencil scaling sums on a sheet of paper, 45.5 and a circled x7

Now for the lettering, fiddling with the “inspiration” image helped refine the lettering a bit. Printing this out at 78% gave us a 1-1 size template for that, while the more artistic amongst us hand drew the other parts.

Hand-drawn paper templates of the biscuit border, lettering and cows spread across a table

For the Biscuit we creamed 2 cups sugar, 4 cups Margarine and 1 Cup Horlicks

Creaming pale butter and sugar in a glass bowl held on someone's lap over an apron

Added a very large dessertspoonful of malt extract (probably optional, but we had some in the fridge and I have no idea why)

Holding a jar of barley malt extract beside the bowl of creamed dough mixture

And, rather extravagantly a whole teaspoon of premium vanilla extract, for the flavour you understand.

Opened bottle of vanilla essence held beside the mixing bowl and a large sugar bag

Next we added 8 cups of flour and a tablespoon of salt this mix went into the fridge for 30 mins and we opened the second bottle of wine.

Ivy and Eric did some preparation of the tools. A cocktails stick traced through the template allowed Al to make the letters

Pricking a paper lettering template through onto the rolled pale dough with a cocktail stick

While the rest of the gang made the 16 circles 4 blobs and 64 wheaty barley things. Marcia was chief Cow drawer / cutter-outer

A dough cow cut out on baking paper, tray of small dough shapes behind

The base was prepared, Blobs were added

Rolled dough sheet filling a whole baking tray, small dough dots placed at each corner

As were the ear /leaf corn bits

Laurel-leaf border of dough pieces laid around the edge of the tray-sized biscuit

And the grass, and text, bloody hell this is one complicated pimp. At last the final touches: Moo cows

Pressing the dough cow and MALTED MILK lettering into place with a knife blade

And in to the oven. We cooked it at 180°C for about 10 minutes then lowered the temp to 150°C for another 30, we then switched the oven off and left it in the oven to cool (it was really humid and we didn’t want it soggy)

Bravely we took it out the oven and onto the table

Baked tray-sized Malted Milk biscuit on the table, an ordinary biscuit at the corner

A moment of tension, would our secret weapon, the sliding tin work? The first half came of smoothly, so did the second and Way hey a perfect Pimp.

Edge-on view: the thick giant biscuit beside a stack of four normal ones on a rack

Giant biscuit on a cooling rack with three normal biscuits laid end to end alongside

Giant biscuit from above with three normal Malted Milks lined along the bottom edge

For the record, its 3x7x7 = 141 times the size of a normal malted milk, ladies and gentlemen, the Mootated Milk.

We spent far too much (about £5) on this and now have a fridge full of unused marge and a cupboard full of sugar, and still no-idea why we had the Malt in our fridge.

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